Whenever I facilitate a retreat, a workshop, or a program, I take along books that are relevant to the topic(s) and put them on a table in the room.

I would refer to key New York Times best-seller books, asking if participants were familiar with such an author or book. Much of the time, I’d get deer-in-the-headlight looks. I stopped asking.

I came across this piece by Thomas Chatterton Williams in the Atlantic. It speaks to what I have experienced. It is why I challenge people about opinions. Tell me the basis of your opinion and its foundation. 

“We have never before had access to so many perspectives, ideas, and information. Much of it is fleetingly interesting but ultimately inconsequential—not to be confused with expertise, let alone wisdom. This much is widely understood and discussed. The ease with which we can know things and communicate them to one another, as well as launder success in one realm into pseudo-authority in countless others, has combined with a traditional American tendency toward anti-intellectualism and celebrity worship. Toss in a decades-long decline in the humanities, and we get our superficial culture in which even the elite will openly disparage as pointless our main repositories for the very best that has been thought.”

I grew up in a home of readers. There was always a book or two on my father’s nightstand as he read every night. One of my mother’s favorite ways to relax was to pour a cup of coffee, light up a cigarette and read a book. (She quit smoking in 1969.) We went to the library a couple of times a month. Today, part of my lifestyle is to read a book for one hour per day…and I still have time for 4+ hours of screen time on my iPhone, computer, and TV as well as to eat, exercise, complete “to-dos,” and work.

“I submit that we’d save ourselves an enormous amount of trouble in the future if we’d agree to a simple litmus test: Immediately disregard anyone in the business of selling a vision who proudly proclaims they hate reading.

Agreed.

Consider reading Annie Dukes, Quit: The Power of Knowing When To Walk Away. Dukes, a former professional poker player, learned the secret to winning at poker was knowing when to quit. It turns out, it takes grit to quit! As a rule, most of us are terrible quitters! Dukes helps the reader to learn to quit in order to be successful in life.

I will be facilitating a book discussion on Quit this spring. If you want to learn more and sign up, email me at carrpe.diem@gmail.com

Recently I was invited by More Fearless Change authors, MaryLynn Manns and Linda Rising, to be a part of a virtual Fearless Change Campfire. I was asked to share a personal story about personal fearless change. Reading their book, I recognized several patterns of implementing change in my life.

My story began after I graduated from college with a major in psychology. I was trying to decide what my next move would be, including going on to get a master’s degree in psychology.

My father left the corporate world to go into business for himself. He purchased a Jan/San distribution business back in the ’60s. He had a sales territory that needed a rep and asked me if I’d like to take the position. I took the position and earned my “master’s degree” in cleaning, learning how to run a profitable business and manage twelve employees! More than that, I learned a lot about my father and leadership. He became a mentor (one of the practices of More Fearless Change). One of my favorite events was meeting my father for lunch to discuss business life.

I loved working with him. We became business partners with a yin and yang way to lead and manage the business. On Sunday, March 13, 1988, we both heard a sermon based upon the V-formation and its connection to creating a loving, nurturing community. I was intrigued by this message and went to the library to check out a book on this Canada goose behavior. On St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, 1988, I shared this information with my father and told him that I thought we had a V-formation with our staff in our business. That was the last conversation I had with my father. He died that night of a massive heart attack.

Easter came on April 3rd and I was deep in the grief of my father’s death and very angry with God. I would have nothing to do with showing up at church in my Sunday best. I did wake up early on that Easter morning and walked down from our home to the Miami River in Dayton, OH, to attend an Easter sunrise service. As I got close to the river, I heard loud honking overhead. I looked up and saw an incredibly large V-formation!

I was speechless, teary-eyed, and humbled. I simply looked up to the heavens and said the greatest prayer of all, “Thank You!” I had just experienced the practices of The Right Time and Emotional Connection leading to the practice of a Time for Reflection, chapters in More Fearless Change.

I took over the principal leadership role in our business. That led me to the More Fearless Change practice of Go-To-Person. I created a board of advisors who challenged me on where and how I was going to lead the business. It also created the More Fearless Change practice of Know-Yourself and Wake-Up Call.

While I loved working with my father in our business, I recognized this was not the purpose of my life. I felt the call to organizational and leadership development. I left the Jan/San business to become the Venture Out! Director at Camp Joy in Clarksville, OH. This work was transformative and rewarding, feeding my gifts, talents, and passions.

My father’s death was a gift. It lead me to helping individuals and organizations learn, live, and promote “seizing the day,” leading to reduced ignorance and suffering and enhanced living.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”                                                                                                                      – Joseph Campbell, The Hero’s Journey

Question: Have you had a “death” experience, literally or figuratively that led to your rebirth?

We live in a time of darkness. That darkness is rooted in evil. The darkness seems overwhelming and feeds fear and breeds distrust.

Besides the epidemics of opioids and COVID, we are also experiencing the epidemics of un-democracy, denial, ignorance, and assault weapons – all are rooted in darkness and fed by fear and distrust. The desire to overcome this darkness is thwarted by Einstein’s definition of insanity – “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

On April 22, 1999, I flew out to Littleton, CO for business. Not far from my business dealing was the scene of, at that time, the deadliest high school shooting in U.S. history at Columbine, H.S. The whole Denver area was a sea of grief and disbelief that this mass killing could come to be. Like the recent Uvalde, TX mass killing, police were criticized for their response. That mass killing lead to rapid action deployment against active shooters. School security increased dramatically nationwide. Conversations focused on parenting and violence in video games and movies. Debates began on gun laws, gun control, gun locks, gun owner background checks, and better-policing methods. Editorials spoke of making efforts to get a grip on this violence growing in our country.

Here we are 23 years later with no change, just more “thoughts and prayers for the victims and their families.” Since Columbine, over 311,000 children at 311 schools have been exposed to gun violence at their schools. We have failed to learn that “thoughts and prayers” are useless to dead children and the families left in grief. We are numb from the heartache. For those of us practicing Christianity and asking WWJD, we continue life as spiritual zombies. Commonsensical, holistic, modest, minimally coercive measures still have not gained traction. The secular gun lobby and the second amendment still hold us hostage to escalating mass killings.

Some facts to consider about the gun culture of the United States:

• 123 people die each day due to bullets according to Pew Research.
• Gun violence is the leading cause of death for children under the age of 18 according to CDC.
• The NRA is the #1 lobby group in the U.S. GOP members of Congress receive the lion’s share of the NRA funding.
• There are three times more federally licensed gun dealers than there are Starbucks in the United States.
• According to Pew Research, more guns have not equated to more security. Escalation of gun ownership has made U.S. society less safe. When guns are easy for good people to get, they also become easy for bad people to get.
• After the Clinton Administration banned assault weapons in 1994, mass shooting deaths dropped by 43%. When the ban expired in 2004, mass shooting deaths shot up 239%.
• The United States has just under 5% of the world’s population but owns 35% of civilian handguns which are estimated to be close to 400 million. It’s estimated over 20 million of those guns are AR15 types according to American Gun Facts.
• The AR15 like the U.S. military M16 is a killing machine. Its sole purpose is to destroy a human life. If you want evidence of the destructive power of these weapons, watch CBS 60 Minutes – Why do mass shooters choose the AR-15 style rifle?

“Americans do not understand what these weapons (AR15) do to children’s bodies. They destroy them. That’s not hyperbole.” – John Woodrow Cox

Can you call yourself “pro-life” if you want to ban abortion but don’t want to ban assault rifles that have killed children?

This is what it has come down to:

“Dying in mass shootings is the price of freedom.” – Bill O’Reilly.

Switzerland, Canada, Japan, and over 150 other countries have freedom. They have citizens with mental illnesses. To pin the epidemic of mass shootings in the U.S. on mental illness when Switzerland, Canada, and Japan don’t have mass shootings is illogical and warped thinking.

“It’s impossible to reverse assault weapons in the United States.” – Anonymous

The United States has taken up impossible tasks before. Lewis and Clark didn’t know where they were going when they went exploring for the Northwest passage back in 1803, but they took up the challenge, fortified by courage and faith. It was thought to be impossible to put a man on the moon, but we came together and put a man on the moon in 1969. Could we not come together and do a “moon shot” against our gun culture?

I challenge each of us to look in the mirror and ask what each of us can do. Some suggestions:

Fear and distrust are at the heart of our gun culture. We use the 2nd amendment to hide our fear and distrust. Work on your fear and distrust. Study it. Seek support. Lean into your discomfort. Get out of your comfort zone.

If you own a gun, lock it up and keep it separate from the ammunition. If you know someone who owns a gun, ask them to do the same.

Let’s have some thoughtful conversations. Let’s be curious. Let’s explore. What about gun registration, gun insurance, and testing like we have automobiles?

How about higher taxes on guns and ammunition to help curb gun violence just like what the cigarette tax did for smoking?

When the Civil Rights Act was passed in 1964, it didn’t end racism, but it was a beginning to making the United States a more perfect union. It began to help overcome the darkness …

“For there is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.”                                                                                                                                                   – Amanda Gorman

What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other? – George Eliot, novelist, poet

After pondering Eliot’s quote, I’ve decided to add difficulty to my core values of compassion, justice, and humility.

The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself. – Thales of Miletus

Let’s admit, knowledge of ourselves is finite while ignorance of ourselves is infinite. Ultimately, one’s true-life journey is continuously working on knowing ourselves especially as we age, as our bodies change, as we encounter new relationships and new challenges. That is difficult. This requires self-awareness of one’s blind spots, biases, and triggers as well as our ignorance. Then there is the pain and suffering we experience including:

• the loss of a loved one
• being told you are no longer loved
• the loss of a job
• setbacks that include major health issues, rough upbringing, abusive relationships, bad choices, addictions
• doing the right thing rather than the easy thing
• failing at being emotionally intelligent
• feeling fear that leads to ugly behavior, not changing bad habits, poor health, anger
• shame that leads to feeling inferior or unworthy

Most people don’t grow up. It’s too damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That’s the truth of it. They honor their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children, but they don’t grow up. – Maya Angelou

I believe we make life less difficult for others when we begin making life less difficult for ourselves. Here is where you can begin that quest:

• Do you have values? Do you live your values? Do you know what you stand for and what you don’t stand for?
• Do you have goals and regularly take an account of where you are in achieving those goals?
• Many of us say the most important things in our lives are our relationships with our significant others and our families, yet when we account for where we spend our time, does it support this?
• How do you treat your body? Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep per night? Would losing weight make a difference in your life? Do you choose to take stairs rather than the elevator or escalator? Do you park a distance away from the front door so you have to walk? Do you get regular exercise including 10,000 steps/day? Is water your primary daily beverage?
• When something seems amiss or goes wrong with your health and mental health, do you address it and seek help?
• Are you intentional about making time to rest, relax and do nothing? Does doing nothing seem like a waste of time and make you anxious?
• Do you love your work? Does your work love you? Do feel your work is of value and makes a difference in people’s lives?
• How often do you get out of your comfort zone?
• Can you build the plane while you are flying or are you a perfectionist and need the plane fully assembled, checked, and rechecked before flying?
• Do you procrastinate and avoid getting things done that need to be done but are not enjoyable or of interest?
• Are there people you can confide in, be vulnerable, share concerns, and get support?
• Do you have hobbies and interests outside of work? Do you travel, visit museums, and challenge yourself with adventures?
• When you encounter difficult times, are you able to remain hopeful?
• How do you handle challenges? Do you see them as problems or opportunities?
• When you fail or make a mistake, do you use it as a learning opportunity?
• Do you live within your resources and means? Does money stress you out? Do you have a retirement plan? Do you have 6 months’ wages in savings in the event of an emergency?
• Do you look for the good in others, especially those you disagree with?
• Do you compare yourself to others?
• Do you value having emotional intelligence over intellect?
• Do others consider you trustworthy? What is your evidence?
• Do you seek and value getting feedback from others on your relationship and leadership regularly? When someone shares uncomfortable feedback, do you become defensive or do you ask for more clarification and seek to understand?
• How diverse are your relationships? Does everyone in your circle of relationships look like you, sound like you, believe as you do?
• What is the status of your relationships with a boss, cohorts, and clients? Are they healthy, meaningful, cooperative, and collaborative?
• Do others find you being interested or interesting – a better talker or a better listener?
• Do you recognize conflict and work to deal with it effectively and in a healthy manner? Do you work to make your relationships with others psychologically safe?
• Byron Katie writes: There is your business. There is everyone else’s business. There is God’s business. In what area of “business” do you spend most of your time?
• Which is more important to you, being successful or being significant?
• Do you believe you can live into a better version of yourself?

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. – Albert Einstein

Do you need a sherpa, a coach, an advisor to work through these questions and perhaps ask additional questions to help you create YOU2.0?  Contact me, David Carr, to explore the possibilities.

As a growing number of people are walking away from work positions, climbing down from the “corporate ladder,” acknowledging burnout, and having a hard look in the mirror, there seems to be a greater need to talk through possibilities.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity           – Dorothy Parker

Our identity is rooted in our patterns. The more we repeat a pattern, the more we strengthen our identity. How do you want to be identified? How do you want to be experienced by others? What patterns need to be challenged to create a better identity? Our patterns offer limited thinking. Coaching creates an opportunity to examine your current identity and see if transformation is necessary.

Those beliefs and assumptions impact our needs, including health, balance, purpose, growth, learning, connection, and significance. Our needs lead to goals. Goals require strategies and action steps that lead to desired outcomes.

Are you the best person for your work? What is your evidence? What are your overt benefit, the reason to believe, and unique difference? What other questions need to be asked to create transformation and transition? My approach to coaching looks at five key areas and determines if new patterns are necessary.

We begin by looking at the past. Who, what, where, and when can be significant. What were significant failures and mistakes? What did you learn? From your past, what defined you?

To know the past is to know the present. To know the present is to know yourself.    – Ibram X. Kendi

This allows one to acknowledge the present. What habits are serving you well? What habits are not serving you well?

One discovers the light in the darkness. That is what darkness is for.     – James Baldwin

This leads to working on one’s future. Where do you want to be significant? What would you like your legacy to be?

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.  – Maya Angelou

From here, we look at relationships. Who are the mavens, connectors, and salespeople in your circles of influence? Who can you go to for support? Who are the subject-matter experts in your life? Where do you need to grow your diversity in your relationships? How will you deal with difficult people going forward?

It is precisely the minor differences in people who are otherwise alike that form the basis of feelings of hostility between them.         – Sigmund Freud

Gratitude impacts our attitude. For what are you grateful? Where is your hope? How will you nurture hope in others?

Of all the arts, the art of living is probably the most important.       – Deborah Levy