What Would Break A Friendship For You?

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The Republican Party is in chaos. There are two very different brands of Republicans. There is the Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger Republican brand who put the United States over party. They support democracy, not autocracy. I know Liz and Adams’s values. I trust Liz and Adam. I can agree to disagree with Liz and Adam Republicans.

Then there is the MAGA Republican brand led by: a misogynist with a narcissistic personality disorder; who has told over 30,000 fact-checked lies during his presidency; who supports White Christian Nationalism (which is not what our forefathers had in mind when they wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution); of whom 21 of his former White House staff will not vote for him including former Chief of Staff retired Marine General John Kelly – is a different brand. And those who support MAGA and its leader scare the joy, the hope, the trust out of me.

I can no longer tolerate the line, “Just because we oppose each other politically doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future. The people you’re hanging out with today are shaping the person you will become tomorrow.” – Craig Groeschel

If you believe and support the Project 2025 playbook, which promotes autocracy over democracy, is the way to govern the United States, that is a friendship breaker.

If you believe a government, judicial system, or a man can tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body, that is a friendship breaker.

If you embrace Christian Nationalism, which excludes about 30% of the population or over 100,000,000 people, that is a friendship breaker.

If you call yourself pro-life but are only pro-birth because you don’t care about people experiencing poverty, the imprisoned, people experiencing homelessness, the immigrant, the uninsured, or the lack of legislation to create gun safety, that is a friendship breaker.

If you support gerrymandering, unfair voting, and denial of a peaceful transfer of power, that is a friendship breaker.

If you don’t believe LGBTQ+ and BIPOC should be treated fairly and with equity, that is a friendship breaker.

If you continue to promote and contribute to the unhealthy ways we treat planet Earth, that is a friendship breaker.

If you believe your opinion and conspiracies are more important than facts and evidence, that is a friendship breaker.

If you would like to have a challenging conversation about these “friendship breakers” that include listening to each other to understand and sharing fact/evidence-based perspectives rather than opinion and conspiracy, let’s find a time and place to meet face-to-face.

What Are You Voting For November 2024?

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I’ve never worn a presidential campaign button. I have never donated to a presidential candidate campaign. I’m doing both now as an older, white, heterosexual, Christian, able-bodied, economically stable, registered independent, privileged male who not only supports and will vote for Kamala Harris but will also be voting for:
– democracy over Project 2025 and autocracy;
– leadership that is trustworthy, compassionate, stable, and hope-enhancing;
– facts and evidence over ignorance and conspiracy;
– continuation to evolve rather than devolve;
– kindness over heartlessness and stop being weird;
– commUNITY over inDIVDualism;
– ending Citizen’s United and PAC influence on politicians;
– a balance of power;
– fair and equal access to voting;
– elimination of gerrymandering;
– peaceful transfer of power;
– term limits for all politicians and court judges, including SCOTUS
– a fair and just criminal justice system;
– a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body;
– gun safety;
– separation of church and state rather than Christian Nationalism;
– equity for BIPOC and LGBTQ+;
– affordable healthcare as a right and not a privilege;
– treating Earth and climate with care and respect;
– global alliances with countries that support democracy like NATO members;
– fair, responsible, accountable taxation for individuals and corporations;
– world-class education for every child with no book bans and increased emphasis on the untaught history of this country, good pay for teachers.

What will you be voting for in November 2024?

Are We Able To Have Trustworthy Elections?

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I attended the Braver Angel WNC Town Hall, a significant event that was based on the Braver Angels Trustworthy Elections Report, a comprehensive and credible resource on Restoring Trust in Our Elections.

The Town Hall began with an overview of the report. Then, we broke into seven small groups, each discussing one of the seven election topics.

1. Fair and Equal Access to Voting

2. Verifiable Voter Identity and Eligibility

3. Transparency and Accountability

4. Redistricting – Gerrymandering

5. Confidence in Vote Counting

6. Safety and Security in the Elections Process

7. Peaceful Transfer of Power

At my table, we discussed the Peaceful Transfer of Power. Conservatives, liberals, and independents agreed with the three solutions offered: 

– All candidates and citizens are encouraged to sign Team Democracy’s Safe and Fair Elections Pledge.

– Political parties should include a plank in their platforms that asks their supporters to take and honor the pledge.

– No state legislature or elected or appointed (non-judicial) official should be able to overturn election results. In 2023, the Supreme Court affirmed this position, rejecting the “independent state legislature” theory (Moore v. Harper).

We had concerns about media bias and coverage (or lack thereof). For factual news, it was suggested that we go to news sources 1440.com and Ground News.

Each table shared a summary of their discussion with the whole Town Hall and took questions.

We then decided which election topic Braver Angels should focus on in the coming year.

You can see the results in the photo below.

Joining Braver Angels is an opportunity to be part of healthy, safe conversations on difficult topics. I encourage you to consider becoming a member and contributing to our mission.

What Is Fair?

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An electrician recently charged me $1,200 to rewire our kitchen for remodeling. He and his partner were there for 6 hours. The cost of supplies was over $100. I thought his bill was expensive.

Then, I heard back from a client on a proposal for leadership development, who told me my fee was too high.

When I explained why my fee was what it was, I realized the electrician’s fee was also fair.

I wasn’t paying for the electrician and his partner’s time; I was paying for their experience and knowledge.

I paid $1,200 because he and his partner had the expertise, skills, and tools to do what I couldn’t.

Now I realize $1,200 was fair.

It takes slow critical thinking to come to a better understanding and better outcomes. As a result, I feel true joy!

The Curse of, “I Didn’t Think About That!”

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How often have you said to yourself and others, “I didn’t think about that.” or “That didn’t cross my mind.” or “I hadn’t considered that.”?

Why did you say that? Why did you think that? Were you guilty of “fast thinking”? According to Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow, we spend over 90% of our thinking … fast. We don’t like to think slow because it takes more energy. It takes energy to be curious. Our comfort zone is laziness, compliance, and addiction. It’s so much easier to go to the familiar and pleasurable. As a result, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” – Anais Nin

Asking questions is an art and a fundamental art of leadership. Questions are more important than answers. Questions reveal what we are thinking. Answers reveal what we know and our judgment. Why don’t we ask more questions to seek to understand rather than to reply? Why do we intimidate people who don’t speak our language, share our beliefs, or look like us?

Adam Grant, Think Again: The Power of What You Don’t Know writes we need to learn to rethink and unlearn.

“In our daily lives, too many of us favor the comfort of conviction over the discomfort of doubt. We listen to opinions that make us feel good instead of ideas that make us think hard. We see disagreement as a threat to our egos rather than an opportunity to learn. We surround ourselves with people who agree with our conclusions when we should be gravitating toward those who challenge our thought process. The result is that our beliefs get brittle long before our bones. Intelligence is no cure, and it can even be a curse: there’s evidence that good thinking can make us worse at rethinking. The brighter we are, the blinder to our limitations we can become.”

Have you read Project 2025? It’s over 900 pages on moving the United States from democracy to autocracy.

Project 2025 is a roadmap for big-government authoritarianism. For example, The Department of Education and the Department of Commerce would be eliminated. Most  U.S. Government departments would morph into service to create a Christian Nationalist state in which any non-Christian (or non-conservative-Christian) is rendered a second-class citizen. (Forward)

Project 2025 raises a lot of questions for me.

What is religious liberty? What does Christian Nationalism mean? How does Christian Nationalism threaten religious freedom? What does Christian Nationalism mean to someone Jewish? Someone who is Muslim?

How does Christian Nationalism distort the teachings of Christ? Wasn’t Christ on the side of the marginalized and the oppressed? Does Christian Nationalism side with the marginalized and the least of us? Does Christian Nationalism center on the Gospel of love?

Does Christian Nationalism promote democracy? Is Christian Nationalism patriotic? What is the connection between Christian Nationalism and White supremacy?

How are patriotism and faith similar? Don’t they each have to be freely chosen?

Why does Christian Nationalism give credence to violence and divisiveness?

Why does Christian Nationalism seek to reverse advances in women’s rights and LGBTQ+?

Why does Christian Nationalism perpetuate a caste system that seeks rights for those in power?

Why did the Constitution’s founders and signers write Article VI: “No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”?

Why did our founding fathers write in the Bill of Rights: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”

Does the recently enacted law in Louisiana requiring the display of the Ten Commandments in every school classroom violate the Bill of Rights? Does the recent mandate in Oklahoma requiring the teaching of the Bible in the classroom violate the Bill of Rights?

For faith to thrive, shouldn’t it be chosen freely and not demanded by a governmental authority?

Where might you go to get out of your comfort zone, relearn, and unlearn? Here are some suggestions:

For daily news, check out The League of Women Voters to see charts on how reliable your news source is and to understand media bias.

Consider reading Ground News. It shows multiple perspectives compared to your regular go-to sources. I also suggest connecting with 1440 News. They focus on facts and not opinions. According to Snopes, 1440 News is who they say they are and is in the middle of the media bias chart.

Podcasts I find that challenge my rethinking, relearning, and unlearning:

Reflector—“Reflector is a documentary-style podcast that tells stories about the strange experiences of being human. Our stories focus on how beliefs shape our world, the context behind our society’s messy debates, and how deeply listening to one another can reveal a sense of shared humanity. We aim to spark wonder, unveil complexity, and ignite curiosity.”

Hidden Brain – “Nowhere is this journey of exploration more profound than in the discoveries we can make about ourselves. Our inner worlds are so much with us, so familiar to us, that many of us have lost the ability to marvel at our minds. Yet, there is no form of exploration more exhilarating. Every episode of Hidden Brain aims to help people get to know themselves better and think of their inner worlds with less judgment and more curiosity.”

Search Engine – “Search Engine is a show where we try to answer the kinds of questions that you might normally ask the internet—questions that might be too potentially dumb-sounding, too personal, or too hard to answer otherwise.”

Code Switch – “We’re a multiracial, multigenerational group of journalists who explore how race affects every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, food, and everything in between.”

Right, Left, and Center – ” Left, Right & Center” serves as a civilized yet provocative antidote to the self-contained opinion bubbles of political debate. It first debuted in 1996 and has grown into a premier political discussion destination for listeners.”

Throughline – “Throughline is a time machine. Throughline travels beyond the headlines of each episode to answer the question, “How did we get here?” We use sound and stories to bring history to life and put you in the middle. From ancient civilizations to forgotten figures, we take you directly to the moments that shaped our world.”

Besides the two books I mentioned earlier, consider these books:

Democracy Awakening, by Heather Cox Richardson. Heather Cox Richardson is a history professor at Boston College as well as the author of this book. She writes a daily newsletter, Letters from an American, on the history behind today’s politics and has taught me more about American history than any high school or college history class I took. Her latest book is full of history lessons.

How To Know a Person by David Brooks. “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”

Factfulness by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, and Anna Rosling. “Rönnlund offers readers a wealth of statistics and facts that reveal the world far better than it was just a few generations ago. But, more than that, author Hans Rosling also offers readers a way to revise their thinking and fight against our instinct to focus on the bad and lose sight of the good.”

The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. “Gatherings in our lives – from business meetings to dinner parties – are lackluster, routine, and lacking in purpose. Parker sets out a bold new approach to gathering that focuses on distinctiveness, purpose, and real human connection and shows how simple steps can invigorate any gathering of people.” I wish this book had been published 25 years ago!

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. “Brown offers ten guideposts for our minds, hearts, and spirits to explore and cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough, and to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.” I own and have read most of Brown’s books. This is still my favorite.

Dopamine Nation by Anne Lembke. “We’re living in a time of unprecedented access to high-reward, high-dopamine stimuli: drugs, food, news, gambling, shopping, gaming, texting, sexting, Facebooking, Instagramming, YouTubing, tweeting . . . The increased numbers, variety, and potency are staggering. The smartphone is the modern-day hypodermic needle, delivering digital dopamine 24/7 for a wired generation. As such, we’ve all become vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption.”

The End of Bias by Jessica Nordell. “The End of Bias delves into the science of unconscious bias, its effects on society, and how we can address and overcome these ingrained prejudices. It explores how habitual biases, even those not consciously endorsed, influence behavior and perceptions and presents strategies for changing these automatic thought patterns.”

Other considerations:

Consider getting involved with Braver Angels. “Braver Angels is leading the nation’s largest cross-partisan, volunteer-led movement to bridge the partisan divide for the good of our democratic republic. As we head into the election, we’re bringing together “We the People” to find a hopeful alternative to toxic politics. The American Hope campaign equips Americans across the political spectrum to work together and demand the same of politicians from both parties.” Braver Angels will give you tools to have tough radical, tough conversations with compassion for the other person.

Share your thoughts, suggestions, and questions with me!

Is It Hard To Be A Liberal in Today’s World?

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Recently, I co-facilitated a discussion with six conservatives and six liberals on book banning. My co-facilitator, a conservative, commented, “It’s tough being a conservative in today’s world.”
 
I got to noodling on her comment and realized it is tough to be a liberal. Here are my thoughts:

It is tough to be liberal in today’s world.

I’ve been called a socialist for believing we need social safety nets for people with low incomes, the mentally ill, and the “least of us.” I believe in equity over equality.

I’ve been called a socialist for belief in Ubuntu – I am because we are. I believe in “we over me.” I believe in “community over individualism“.

I’ve been called a socialist because of my views on capitalism. I have spoken out about Wall Street buying up healthcare. The focus is on making money, not patient care. I’m seeing and experiencing this here in Asheville with HCA buying Mission Hospital. Healthcare should be a right, not a privilege. The average cost of U.S. healthcare was $12,555/person in 2022. The next highest nation in the world was Germany at $6,651 (Data from Health System Tracker). Did you know the number one driver of GoFundMe accounts is to help pay for healthcare bills? (The Atlantic) Did you know that healthcare bills are the number one reason for bankruptcy in America? (bankruptcyresources.org)

This socialist label is used on me when I point out that CEOs received 344 as much as the typical worker in 2022 (compared to 25 times the typical worker in 1965.) This disparity has led to the exploitation of workers and inequality. Capitalism has reached a point of diminishing returns for the 73% of our population (Gallup). 

Recently, WNC grocery store Ingles CEO James Canning got a 31% raise to $3.3 million. The median Ingel employee salary is $22,708 (U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, January 2024). His salary is 150 times greater than the median income of an Ingel employee.

Starbucks made $24.6 billion in profit in 2023. It could have given each of its 400,000 employees a $11,000 raise instead of relying on tips to earn a living wage and still had $20 billion in profit. (U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, January 2024)

I repeatedly hear that the President is responsible for the economy and inflation. Check out the April 2023 Big Think, 5 reasons the President has little control over the economy.

The three main drivers of inflation we are experiencing are food, housing, and transportation. (IMF CPI database)

46 food companies made a combined $70 billion in windfall profits – 39 (85%) had increased their margin. They also paid $82 billion to wealthy shareholders in 2022.

49 energy corporations made $237 billion in windfall profits in 2022 and paid $157 billion to wealthy shareholders – 35 of these 49 companies (71%) increased their profit margins.

Shipping companies had a $150 billion year, which economists warn is stoking inflation. (Bloomberg)

53.9% of price growth could be attributed to increased profit margins, while labor costs were less than 8%. Corporations benefitted from inflation, and their excess profits are fueling it. (Economic Policy Institute report, April 2022.)

I get called a socialist when I suggest we move to Social democracy, which is based upon compassionate capitalism and uses capitalism to employ people receiving a living wage. What drives the U.S. version of capitalism is “greedflation,” and the law of scarcity, as excess is never enough.

A 90% tax on the windfall profits of the 1,000 largest companies worldwide could generate over $1 trillion. This would help reduce inequality. Most company profits go directly to shareholders who overwhelmingly sit in the wealthiest 1%; for example, the richest 1% own 54% of the shares held by U.S. households. 

I’ve been called “woke” in my diversity, equity, and inclusion work, especially around my interests in reparations. I have been asked, “Why can’t you stay in your lane?” 

My June 2020 blog, I Am A Racist, led to comments from readers, “Your parents would feel disrespected. They didn’t raise you like that.” “What have you been smoking?” “Black Lives Matter has brainwashed you. I thought you were stronger than that.”

At Montreat College, a cohort saw me entering the Black Mountain Unitarian Fellowship one Sunday to be the keynote speaker. My cohort told me that was where Satan resided and suggested I perhaps I was not a good fit to be at Montreat.

I’ve been labeled as “one of those” for my love and support of our gay daughter, her wife, and the LGBTQ+ community.

Because I believe no government entity, including courts, or men has the right to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body, I have been called a Planned Parenthood stooge and will end up in hell.

I’ve been called unAmerican and not supporting the 2nd amendment in my concern for the nearly 500 million guns in the hands of 336 million U.S. citizens. That is 120 guns per 100 citizens. The following highest gun-to-citizen ratio is in the Falkland Islands, with 62 guns per 100 citizens. Germany has 19 guns per 100 citizens, and Russia has 12 guns per 100 citizens. (https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/gun-ownership-by-country). The United States averaged 118 deaths per day in 2023 due to gun violence. (gunviolencearchive.org/) Guns are the leading cause of death in children under the age of 18. (CDC) Over half of the suicides in the U.S. are due to guns. (Pew Research) 

Here is the bottom line for me as a Christian: the Jesus Christ I know, follow, and believe in was liberal. He was inclusive, not exclusive. Jesus hung out with the least of us. He told the wealthy a camel could go through the eye of a needle more straightforwardly than for them to enter the Kingdom of God. The Beatitudes weren’t just a sermon but a lifestyle that Jesus lived. Living the Beatitudes are a source of joy. Christ showed love is the opposite of fear. Consequently, Jesus Christ is having a tough time in today’s world.

Comments on this post from readers:

Ah, Dave, this was a great post. I especially appreciate your use of facts and figures.  B.R.

Thank you for writing this and sharing it with me. It’s brilliant. You inspire me.  J.S.

Very thoughtful stuff. I like the twist—equity instead of equality. Nicely stated. And, of course, painstakingly researched. Thanks for sharing.  J.H.

Well written Dave… I’d call you enlightened and your parents would be proud too!  G.J.

I would start with ” It is tough to be in this world today”. I would follow that having labels conservative, liberal are divisive. Everything has gotten so sensitive –  gender, political, ethnic etc.   J.C.

Beautifully written, not surprisingly.  C.R.

I have been called a baby killer! I miss the dignity of what was the Republican Party.  The policy ideas were different between conservatives and liberals but there was typically integrity and intellect associated with both sides. Now it’s, how low can you go!  S.P.

Amen, brother!  I’ve been called similar things.  I don’t understand why people can’t get social democracy and feel the need to call it socialism.  The Bible doesn’t speak for anyoneism unbridled.  It is so frustrating when Christianity and unbridled capitalism is seen as one.  D.B.

This is simply brilliant.  I thank you for sharing this with me.  For taking the time to analyze in a way that I have either not the patience or ability to delineate the way you did/do.  I appreciate this so much.  I appreciate you.  I have called myself a socialistic democrat for several years now.  As I have grown older, I have experienced all my life mythology revealed, and sometimes it is simply hard to know what to believe. Thank you for your truth and character.  Glad to know you.  C.W

Dave, this is wonderful writing.  I love that you were able to footnote every item on your list.  How to get this out to people who are not “part of the choir”?  L.M.

Thank you, David, for including me in your distribution list. As always, I learn so much from reading your discussions on today’s world. Your parents would be proud of you, as I am sure you know. Obviously, whomever made that statement about your parents did not really know them well enough.  C.W.

 

 

Do You Have a Word for 2024?

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As 2023 ends, some call this the “year of the brink.” Some think 2024 will be worse. We have wars going on in Ukraine, Israel, and Sudan. AI poses a profound risk to society and humanity. 2023 was the hottest year on record, contributing to various climate crises. Trust in SCOTUS, banks, crypto, and media continues to be on life support. Mass shootings average nearly 2 per day versus less than one per day back in 2014. Undemocratic behavior seems to be the status quo. Denial, irrationality, and illogical thinking fueled by disinformation are acceptable. Loneliness is an epidemic. Values and principles are words and offer no accountability.

“In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs, it is the rule.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

A New Year, a fresh start!? Regular exercise? Loose weight? Eat healthy? Stop doomscrolling? Reformation or transformation? Purify? Avoidance? Get rid of a bad habit? Overcome an addiction?

“Any time you have a moment that feels like a division of time, your mind does a special thing where it creates a sense that you have a fresh start.” – Katy Milkman

A group’s Inukshuk at Camp Joy, 2005.

As I have blogged before, I do not do New Year Resolutions. I focus on a word for the year and make it a part of my lifestyle. I find committing to a word much more accessible than a resolution. I need a word to help me deal with living on the brink.

The word that chose me for 2024 is cairn. Cairn has a history of being monuments, burial sites, navigational aids like trail markers, art projects, and part of a spiritual/meditative practice. Inukshuk, created by the Inuit people of the Arctic, is a cairn. Inukshuk conveys the message, ‘You are not alone.’ They are guides in the unfamiliar.

I created a cairn garden outside our front door during the COVID pandemic. I also have a cairn on my desk in the den. It is a place to go, be still, seek guidance, make balance, and find harmony. Cairns became a way to connect with nature. Creating cairns requires patience and a steady hand bringing calm and relaxation. Creating cairns can be a form of prayer and a connection to ‘thin spaces.’

Recently, as I was “cairning”, I recognized cairn could be an acronym and would make my word for the year more meaningful.

My Inukshuk

C – compassion (especially self-compassion)

A – awareness

I – insight

R – respectful

N – nurture

I hope creating cairns and reflecting on the acronym helps to overcome being on the brink.

 

 

Here links to my previous words of the year:

Is the Question More Important than the Answer?

My Word for 2022, Civility

My Word For 2021 – “Selfie”

My Word for 2020…

Got New Year Resolution(s) for 2019?

 

What Sailing Taught Me!

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A coaching client read my blog, Hell NO, I Don’t Want To Live Another 70 Years! They asked me about valuable lesson number nine: Learn to sail. Sailing has taught me more about life than any job, hobby, or sport. They asked me to explain what I had learned from sailing.

Sailing is a blend of ballet, sport, and art. “A sailor is an artist whose medium is the wind.” – Webb Chiles

I learned to sail at Woodland Trails Scout Reservation, the summer of 1969. I purchased the waterfront director’s Windmill sailboat at the end of summer camp. The Windmill was the first of four one-design sailboats I owned from 1969 – 2009.

I learned when you purchase and own something valuable, you take better care of it than something given to you. It’s important to care and inspect sails, lines, centerboard, rudder/tiller, tools, and trailer regularly. Replacing sails and other parts is expensive! If you take care of them, they will reciprocate and take care of you! The Windmill was a wooden boat and required attention to maintenance. I refinished the hull of that boat and learned to paint with care and precision! Doing the little things well makes a big difference.

Learn to take care of your body. Sailing one-design sailboats requires agility, flexibility, and strength. Stay in good physical shape. If you ignore your health, it will go away!

Sailing Chesapeake Bay 1986

Learn to be prepared. Check the weather! Don’t assume. Wear the correct clothing and non-slip shoes. Always wear a flotation device, no matter how good a swimmer you are! Have a change of clothing for after the sail. It isn’t fun to drive home in wet clothing after sailing.

When you are in a sailing regatta, you need purpose and direction to stay the course. Learn to use a compass and map and read the wind indicator. This applies to a well-lived life. Check the water for possible wind changes. Watch other boats and their wind indicators, and learn what they are doing to reach the next mark or finish line.

Learn to understand who has the right of way. Safety is always the priority on the water as well as life. Navigating a boat is different from driving a car. Other boats can come at you from any direction. There are no divided lines, signs, or traffic signals on the water. There are red markers you keep on your right (red-right-return) and green you keep on your left. Like driving, save the alcohol for later.

My Thistle – Carrpe Diem!

Three of my one-design sailboats required two or more people to sail the boat. Learn teamwork, communications, collaboration, cooperation, and celebration. It’s the crew who wins the race, not the captain! Bodies need to shift to get the proper stability to help maximize speed. Lines and centerboards need to be constantly adjusted. Pay attention to commands from the captain, the leader. When you come about, everyone needs to hear the captain so they don’t get hit by the mainsail’s boom! The captain also needs to hear input from crew members on what they see and are experiencing. Celebrate the little things like coming about well and making quick adjustments. What gets celebrated gets repeated!

Sailing requires patience and adaptability. Very seldom are you able to sail straight to your desired mark. There are wind and current shifts. Dealing with change is constant. It’s not the strongest or most intelligent sailor who wins the race. The winning sailor is the one most adaptable to change.

Working the coffee grinder on Stars and Stripes!

You are not a real sailor until you capsize and turn turtle. Learn to deal with failure and mistakes. Learn to fail forward! Failing teaches lessons and gives valuable learning lessons. I’ve learned more from my failures and mistakes than my successes.

Learn to be a part of community. One of my favorite times of sailing was after the sail and derigging the boat. Other sailors would come over to help, ask questions, give advice, share stories and a beverage. There was a sense of community, bonding and belonging. We are meant to be in connection with others and not go out into life alone.

Are you ready to learn to sail?

Hell No, I Don’t Want To Live Another 70 Years!

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When our financial counselor told me he expected me to live to be 90, I told him I expected to live to 78! My father died at 61, and my mother died at 88. I believe I can beat the law of averages by three years!

Our son, Brett, asked me to officiate his and his wife, Abby, wedding on December 31, 2021. I was honored, and it is one of the highlights of my life. I have asked him to return the favor by officiating my memorial (I’ve written out) at an Asheville, NC craft brewery. Everyone who attends will get a ticket for a beer or glass of wine!

Besides writing out my memorial service, I’ve also written my obituary. It is as follows:

I was born on October 23, 1953, to incredible loving parents, John and Joyce. I share my birthday with several famous people including:

My purpose in life has been to create safe, nurturing, inclusive communities.

The operating system I have tried to live by and hold myself accountable to is from Micah 6:8

  • compassion
  • justice
  • humility

Besides being called David… I’ve also been called:

  • Charlie Brown
  • Austin
  • The Tidy Bowl Man
  • The Corporate Onion Peeler
  • Dad
  • Granddad
  • Leever

I have been a…

  • A collaborator in God’s creation and I pray well with others of different faiths, including atheists
  • an Eagle Scout
  • an artist, a jeweler, a window washer, a newspaper columnist,
  • Experience-based facilitator in organizational and leadership development, leadership coach
  • author of 3 books – What’s On Your Rear End?, 65 at 65, David Carr By The Numbers
  • ordained minister of the Universal Life Church
  • Grandfather to Zander, Lily, and Everett
  • AND I am most proud of being a partner to Terri and a father to Erin and Brett

Here are just a few of the people who made a memorable difference in my life:

  • Larry Lemser, Scoutmaster of Boy Scout Troop 516, Centerville, OH, inspired me to become an Eagle Scout and always reminded me to leave the campsite, people, and places better than I found them.
  • Mrs. Schreiber, my high school Latin teacher, taught me continuous practice was part of a life well-lived.
  • DePauw University Anthropology Professor Robert Fornaro, taught me the value of critical thinking. Questions are more important than answers. Questions reveal curiosity. Answers reveal judgment.
  • My sister-in-law, Kathy Sumner, showed me not to fear death.
  • Bob Schellenberg, reminded me not to wait until someone close to me dies to get together.
  • Lee Reading, gave me my dream job at Camp Joy and helped me overcome my fear of heights!
  • Lyne Watts made me aware of the lack of diversity, equity, and inclusion in my life and challenged me to do something about it!
  • My Westminster, Dayton, OH, men’s small group of 28 years, my band of brothers from different mothers who have each other’s backs.
  • My son, Brett told his mother and me, “You raised me right!”
  • Terri Carr, who made me feel worthy after a failed marriage and loved me even though I drove a station wagon whose scent was cherry urinal blocks 45 years ago!

Five books that changed my life and might change yours:

Here are a few valuable lessons I’ve learned and wish to share…

  1. It’s okay to feel weird about being the same age as old people.
  2. Life is good when you stop trying to be young and thin!
  3. The best things in life are rescued.
  4. Let a dog share your bed. You will live longer!
  5. Bacon will keep you from being a vegetarian.
  6. Gluten is not a crime.
  7. Golf is something you do with your hands while you talk. Sipping a good bourbon will not only do the same thing, but there are no bad shots, missed putts, lost balls, or yelling “FORE” at the top of your lungs!
  8. Sipping good bourbon is a form of yoga!
  9. Learn to sail. Sailing has taught me more about life than any job, hobby, or sport.
  10. You are the five people you are closest to. Choose wisely.
  11. You are what you watch, look at, read, think, eat, and drink. Be mindful.
  12. Whatever you do, give 100% unless it’s blood.
  13. Vote or be ruled.
  14. It’s a fact: vaccines have been safe and effective since 1796. Get vaccinated, not for yourself, but for your neighbor.
  15. Stop trying to be everyone’s cup of tea and focus on being a few people’s shot of tequila.
  16. The answer to “Can people really be that stupid?” is always yes.
  17. The true, real seven wonders of the world are: to see, hear, touch, taste, feel, laugh, and love.
  18. Say, “I love you!” to those you care about, beginning with yourself with all your warts, scars, mistakes, failures, and imperfections.

I have lived an incredible and blessed life! What has made my life incredible has been Terri Carr. I thank her! I am blessed to have shared a major part of life with her. She has helped make me a better version of myself than when she met me!

In lieu of flowers, please spend money on building bridges with others, creating longer tables that include more people who don’t look or think like you, and doing an act of kindness for some troubled soul. Please write your Congress person and tell them to do away with Daylight Savings Time and get back to real-time.

Comments from readers:

Austin, I love it!! I really didn’t want to read it because it gave me the heebee jeebies, but so glad I did. Once I started I couldn’t stop! I love it all and the warts comment made me laugh out loud! I loved your comment about Burbie! C.H.

So here comes the usual response…is your health okay?  Is your Spirit okay? D.B.

I hope you live long enough to add more grandchildren to that list, to author another book, to find more books you want to recommend, to fall in love even more deeply with life and others and to not have any expectation as to how long you will live. J.W

Everyone manages face the thoughts of their own deaths in their own way, as you are doing. I hope that you don’t set an expiration date for yourself, but live until you die, instead of until you expect to. G.D.

At some point I’m going to respond.  Like what you’re doing. M.A

Brilliant! T.B.

Thank you for sending your thoughts and wishes for your obituary. I have read it many times and still cry each time. It kind of took my breath away when I saw Bob’s name and the message was so true and heartwarming. You are such a great writer. I also laughed at some of your valuable lessons. S.S.

This was fun to read. Your zest for life is inspiring to me. Thank you. I’m glad to have you-and your perspective-in my life. B.M.

Happy birthday Mr. Carr. I loved learning more about you before you leave this world. But the bourbon part I already knew, as did most everyone. Stay golden! D.D.

David, you are a very interesting fella! I cannot believe we are so far apart philosophically/spiritually, yet kindred spirits of sorts when nurturing communities. Congratulations to Brett! D.J.

Soulfully Strong People: 7 Things They Do Well*

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Having coached leaders and worked with many teams, the most obvious work needed to overcome is dysfunctionality! This is the work of the soul. It’s that fourth edge of the saw we need to keep sharp. It’s part of the 7th habit of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which Covey refers to as spirituality. It’s the core of emotional intelligence. Our psychological and social well-being are connected to the spiritual. In keeping with Covey’s seven themes, here are my observations of seven things soulfully strong people do well.

1.) They know themselves and accept themselves just as they are including their imperfections. They know they are a bundle of habits, some good some not so good. They acknowledge their weaknesses and let it go. They focus on their strengths, seeking to grow them and live into them. Their strengths are their gifts. They know that to “love their neighbor just as yourself,” they really do have to love themselves! Thus, they have skin in the game of life. They avoid comparing themselves to others and don’t live in wishful thinking. They live into an affair of the heart.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”     – Buddha

2.) While they know themselves, they also are able to forgive themselves. They recognize shame as “I’m not worthy,” and recognize they are worthy even with warts, scars, and imperfections. They see themselves as a work in progress, making mistakes as part of life’s journey, not taking themselves too seriously, forgiving themselves, and asking for forgiveness. By living with this, they are able to forgive others. Thus, they laugh more especially at themselves, and experience the “thin spaces” more fully.

3.) They don’t take things personally. They recognize there is another side to the story that they don’t know. They question the ugly story they begin to create. They avoid climbing the ladder of inference. They recognize what they can control and what they cannot control. They don’t try to change or control other people. Their expectations are realistic, they grow their wisdom and they seek to live in truth.

4.) They work at connecting with others and accepting others just as they are. They suspend judgment and extend curiosity towards others. They know even the least of us is worthy of connection. They live string theory. To-do lists are not nearly as important as to-be lists. To-do is about success. To-be is about significance. They find more joy in being than doing. Being connects back to their purpose in life, to make connections and build bridges.

5.) They live in the now. They work on being mindful and fully present. They acknowledge the past has lessons. The failures of the past are lessons learned. They recognize that who they are at this moment is because of where they have been. The past cannot be changed nor should it be changed. The past is what it is. The future is yet to be determined. No one knows what in is the future.

6.) Gratitude is a state of mind for the soulfully strong. They acknowledge their blessings including the blessing of pain and suffering that has revealed its gifts. They know pain is inevitable but misery is optional. Consequently, their gratitude becomes the font of their happiness. Thanksgiving is a daily occurrence rather than once a year.

7.) They love more and consume less. They recognize love as the greatest force on earth and the arch-rival of fear. Their courage is girded by love. As darkness is the absence of light, as cold is the absence of heat, fear is the absence of love. Thus, their biggest battle is overcoming fear in themselves and helping others to battle their fears.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to increase my workouts…soul workouts!

*Originally published November 2013 and updated.