A coaching client read my blog, Hell NO, I Don’t Want To Live Another 70 Years! They asked me about valuable lesson number nine: Learn to sail. Sailing has taught me more about life than any job, hobby, or sport. They asked me to explain what I had learned from sailing.

Sailing is a blend of ballet, sport, and art. “A sailor is an artist whose medium is the wind.” – Webb Chiles

I learned to sail at Woodland Trails Scout Reservation, the summer of 1969. I purchased the waterfront director’s Windmill sailboat at the end of summer camp. The Windmill was the first of four one-design sailboats I owned from 1969 – 2009.

I learned when you purchase and own something valuable, you take better care of it than something given to you. It’s important to care and inspect sails, lines, centerboard, rudder/tiller, tools, and trailer regularly. Replacing sails and other parts is expensive! If you take care of them, they will reciprocate and take care of you! The Windmill was a wooden boat and required attention to maintenance. I refinished the hull of that boat and learned to paint with care and precision! Doing the little things well makes a big difference.

Learn to take care of your body. Sailing one-design sailboats requires agility, flexibility, and strength. Stay in good physical shape. If you ignore your health, it will go away!

Sailing Chesapeake Bay 1986

Learn to be prepared. Check the weather! Don’t assume. Wear the correct clothing and non-slip shoes. Always wear a flotation device, no matter how good a swimmer you are! Have a change of clothing for after the sail. It isn’t fun to drive home in wet clothing after sailing.

When you are in a sailing regatta, you need purpose and direction to stay the course. Learn to use a compass and map and read the wind indicator. This applies to a well-lived life. Check the water for possible wind changes. Watch other boats and their wind indicators, and learn what they are doing to reach the next mark or finish line.

Learn to understand who has the right of way. Safety is always the priority on the water as well as life. Navigating a boat is different from driving a car. Other boats can come at you from any direction. There are no divided lines, signs, or traffic signals on the water. There are red markers you keep on your right (red-right-return) and green you keep on your left. Like driving, save the alcohol for later.

My Thistle – Carrpe Diem!

Three of my one-design sailboats required two or more people to sail the boat. Learn teamwork, communications, collaboration, cooperation, and celebration. It’s the crew who wins the race, not the captain! Bodies need to shift to get the proper stability to help maximize speed. Lines and centerboards need to be constantly adjusted. Pay attention to commands from the captain, the leader. When you come about, everyone needs to hear the captain so they don’t get hit by the mainsail’s boom! The captain also needs to hear input from crew members on what they see and are experiencing. Celebrate the little things like coming about well and making quick adjustments. What gets celebrated gets repeated!

Sailing requires patience and adaptability. Very seldom are you able to sail straight to your desired mark. There are wind and current shifts. Dealing with change is constant. It’s not the strongest or most intelligent sailor who wins the race. The winning sailor is the one most adaptable to change.

Working the coffee grinder on Stars and Stripes!

You are not a real sailor until you capsize and turn turtle. Learn to deal with failure and mistakes. Learn to fail forward! Failing teaches lessons and gives valuable learning lessons. I’ve learned more from my failures and mistakes than my successes.

Learn to be a part of community. One of my favorite times of sailing was after the sail and derigging the boat. Other sailors would come over to help, ask questions, give advice, share stories and a beverage. There was a sense of community, bonding and belonging. We are meant to be in connection with others and not go out into life alone.

Are you ready to learn to sail?

Having coached leaders and worked with many teams, the most obvious work needed to overcome is dysfunctionality! This is the work of the soul. It’s that fourth edge of the saw we need to keep sharp. It’s part of the 7th habit of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which Covey refers to as spirituality. It’s the core of emotional intelligence. Our psychological and social well-being are connected to the spiritual. In keeping with Covey’s seven themes, here are my observations of seven things soulfully strong people do well.

1.) They know themselves and accept themselves just as they are including their imperfections. They know they are a bundle of habits, some good some not so good. They acknowledge their weaknesses and let it go. They focus on their strengths, seeking to grow them and live into them. Their strengths are their gifts. They know that to “love their neighbor just as yourself,” they really do have to love themselves! Thus, they have skin in the game of life. They avoid comparing themselves to others and don’t live in wishful thinking. They live into an affair of the heart.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”     – Buddha

2.) While they know themselves, they also are able to forgive themselves. They recognize shame as “I’m not worthy,” and recognize they are worthy even with warts, scars, and imperfections. They see themselves as a work in progress, making mistakes as part of life’s journey, not taking themselves too seriously, forgiving themselves, and asking for forgiveness. By living with this, they are able to forgive others. Thus, they laugh more especially at themselves, and experience the “thin spaces” more fully.

3.) They don’t take things personally. They recognize there is another side to the story that they don’t know. They question the ugly story they begin to create. They avoid climbing the ladder of inference. They recognize what they can control and what they cannot control. They don’t try to change or control other people. Their expectations are realistic, they grow their wisdom and they seek to live in truth.

4.) They work at connecting with others and accepting others just as they are. They suspend judgment and extend curiosity towards others. They know even the least of us is worthy of connection. They live string theory. To-do lists are not nearly as important as to-be lists. To-do is about success. To-be is about significance. They find more joy in being than doing. Being connects back to their purpose in life, to make connections and build bridges.

5.) They live in the now. They work on being mindful and fully present. They acknowledge the past has lessons. The failures of the past are lessons learned. They recognize that who they are at this moment is because of where they have been. The past cannot be changed nor should it be changed. The past is what it is. The future is yet to be determined. No one knows what in is the future.

6.) Gratitude is a state of mind for the soulfully strong. They acknowledge their blessings including the blessing of pain and suffering that has revealed its gifts. They know pain is inevitable but misery is optional. Consequently, their gratitude becomes the font of their happiness. Thanksgiving is a daily occurrence rather than once a year.

7.) They love more and consume less. They recognize love as the greatest force on earth and the arch-rival of fear. Their courage is girded by love. As darkness is the absence of light, as cold is the absence of heat, fear is the absence of love. Thus, their biggest battle is overcoming fear in themselves and helping others to battle their fears.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to increase my workouts…soul workouts!

*Originally published November 2013 and updated.

In the 7th edition of The Leadership Challenge, Kouzes and Posner address the VUCAs (page 213) under the practice of Enabling Others to Act. I first encountered the term VUCA while attending an educator’s boot camp at Paris Island MCRD in 2013.

Back in the 1990’s, the military added the acronym, VUCA to its vocabulary. VUCA stands for:

– Volatility – change is coming at a faster pace and dealing with transition can be messy.

– Uncertainty – our ability to predict the future is becoming less meaningful and trustworthy.

– Complexity – is increasing including knowledge, communication channels, and distraction leading to increased confusion (Note: I believe the C should include Chaos and Confusion, as misinformation and disinformation are a norm in our society.)

– Ambiguity – made up of assumptions, poor communications, fuzzy rules, and false readings leading to fog.

VUCA is code for acknowledging the root cause of stress, frustration, indecisiveness, bad behavior, poor performance, weak execution, short outcomes, and incomplete strategic plans.

As VUCA’s come upon us, the cry becomes, “I/we don’t have enough ___________!” Blame-storming ensues. Shortcuts are taken. Ethics are ignored. Greed increases.

What do you do to minimize, reduce, or eliminate VUCAs?

Make time. The time issue always becomes apparent when working with a group during an experience-based initiative. The initiative that includes a time allotment, creates stress, generates anxiety, and becomes an enemy to positive outcomes. Make time an ally! Use your resources more effectively by breaking groups into smaller groups to flush out fresh, unique ideas. Do not be quick to throw water on an idea that goes against your thinking or the current process. Instead of a “Yes, but…” try a “Yes, and…”

I notice most organizations or teams (as well as individuals) who go through a strategic planning process seldom discuss the “what ifs’…” as in:

• What if a key member(s) of the team leaves or dies?
• What if a natural disaster hits like a hurricane, tornado, or wildfire?
• What if served with a lawsuit?
• What if the economy tanks?
• What if ___________________?

Simplify. Simplify stuff. Simply processes. Simplify lifestyles.

Lean into flexibility. The tree that bends in the wind will survive over the tree that is stiff and rigid.

When you go out into the world, will you watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together?

This blog was originally written in December 2011 and has been updated. This blog was posted on LinkedIn on Friday, September 15, 2023. Jim Kouzes comment:

We get phone calls and emails from friends, friends of friends, clients, and blog readers who say, “We are coming to Asheville. What do you recommend?” We have so many choices and so little time! Click on Asheville for a link to a map of downtown Asheville.

I began this blog back in September 2015 and I update as we experience more of Asheville and Western North Carolina. For example, today we had lunch at Mother Bakery, Wine Shop, and Cafe. I had the most incredible egg salad sandwich ever!

Click on this link to get updates on where to go, what to drink, what to eat, and where to stay in the Asheville area!

I have benefited from having coaches, mentors, sponsors, and therapists. These people have helped my development and growth. They have led me to “pay it forward” to become a mentor and leadership coach. While mentoring has no time limit, coaching does have a limit. The question is, “When do you stop needing a coach?”

Whenever I begin coaching a client, we spend the first session getting to know one another. We see if we can dance with one another without stepping on toes. We seek to see if the vibe between us works.

It is important to be clear on the client’s desired outcomes. My coaching focuses on helping clients develop skills to improve performance, increase effectiveness, and raise emotional intelligence. These are fundamental behaviors for good leadership. Perhaps there is a desired behavior change of overcoming a bad habit with a new habit. While some coaches seek a successful outcome with better efficiencies, I seek to help the coaching client to be more effective by being more significant with others, which impacts their ability to lead themselves and others. After all, leadership is about relationships.

Early in the process, I do a SWOT where clients acknowledge their strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Discovering opportunities and threats can help with developing needed skills. I help clients to imagine they will be on the front cover of Today’s Leader magazine three years from today. What will be the headline? What will be the significant accomplishments, notable quotes, and key learnings? I ask the client to project their legacy and the future they wish to create.

When does coaching reach its end?

Every one of us is a continual work in progress dealing with our imperfections, warts, scars, mistakes, and failures. When we reach a state of loving ourselves just as we are, accepting our imperfections, having a good practice of self-compassion, and can laugh at ourselves, perhaps it’s time to stop coaching. Confidence has been achieved.

Good coaching sessions have a flow where conversations go deep, challenge thinking, and create AHAs! When those conversations no longer happen, that may be a sign that coaching has run its course. At the heart of coaching are the questions that get asked. When the coaching client can ask themselves better questions than I am asking, coaching is no longer needed.

One size fits one. – Tom Peters

There is also a need to end coaching when the client is no longer committed to doing the work they need to do. I usually send a pre-work email to clients on issues to discuss and give them homework assignments to help them prepare for the upcoming discussion. It’s time to stop coaching when the client doesn’t do the pre-work and gives excuses.

There are some skills I am very good at in coaching others. There are other skill sets I am not good at. If the coaching client could use a coach with stronger skill sets in an area I am weak, I refer them. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I am that shot of whiskey for some!

If coaching discussion moves from discussing skills to issues around unhealthy relationships (i.e., marriage), regulating emotions (i.e., anger management), unhealthy coping skills (i.e., addictions), processing a traumatic event (i.e., PTSD), or mental illness, I recommend the client find a therapist.

What has led to you telling a coach, “Thank you! I no longer need you.”

What has led a coach to tell you, “I don’t think you need my coaching any longer.”