On September 11, 2015, my mother, Joyce Carr, passed away at 88. (My father had passed 27 years prior.) I was just shy of my 62nd birthday. Out of all my thoughts and emotions was the realization that I was now on my own. A huge connection was lost!. My figurative umbilical cord was cut!

I began to take note of where I’d been, who I had become, and perhaps how I’d prefer to “play out” the final quarter of my life. I began writing down what I was grateful for. I noted who had been instrumental in helping me arrive at this point. I thought of significant events in my life, including successes and failures and the lessons I learned.

I’ve approached these lessons by naming sixty-five important words that capture and call out what I know for sure at the age of sixty-five.

In the Jewish faith, this writing might be considered a form of “ethical will” or legacy letter – a heartfelt expression of what truly matters most in life. I sum up each piece with, “Here is what I know for sure” and have included a few of my favorite photos and bumper stickers to add to my thoughts. If you’ve read my blogs, you may recognize some of these points of view.

This book is dedicated to my children, Erin and Brett. They are my legacy because of Joyce and John Carr, whose incredible love for one another touched my life and gave me the foundation for the person I have become. My sister and I were blessed to grow up in a warm and nurturing home.

These sixty-five writings are available in two forms. There are an 8 X 10 hardcover coffee table version and an 8 X 10 softcover version both with color photos. Both versions are available at this Blurb link.

Proceeds from these books will go to Haywood Street Congregation who serves the least of us.

Here is what I know for sure: “Getting older is just one body part after another saying, ‘Ha Ha. You think that’s bad? Watch this.'” – Anonymous

I’m a racist – not the kind of racist who hurts people – but the kind of racist who was ignorant of the 400+ year untold history of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) in this country and not really understanding the systemic racism impacting BIPOC. After all, being white – not my problem. I was socialized in all things white. I grew up in white communities, attended primarily white schools including college, white Boy Scout troop, and white church. I’ve had the tailwinds of white privilege all of my life.

Back in 2000, I found my dream job as Venture Out! Director at Camp Joy, Clarksville, OH. One of the first retreats I inherited was the 2-day Urban League retreat with 40 BIPOC facilitated by myself and two other white people. During a break, I shared with the group that I was trying to build our corporate adjunct pool and if any of the Urban League participants were interested in becoming adjuncts, please speak with me.

One BIPOC, replied to me in front of the whole group, “This is a white person’s job!” I was shocked! This began my diversity journey to exploring my white privilege and racism. I did have a couple of BIPOC come to me and asked for more information on what becoming an adjunct entailed. One of those BIPOC became one of my closest, dearest friends, and opened my eyes to being a BIPOC.

The diversity journey intensified in 2009 when our daughter came out to her mother and me that she was gay. I had to confront my “gay fragility!” and my heterosexual privilege.

The journey continued. About 6 years ago, I read Debby Irving’s Waking Up White. I began taking an even deeper dive into what I didn’t know concerning racism, white supremacy, and white privilege.

Then three years ago I read Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility. All of a sudden with recent events, White Fragility has become a hot book – a #1 best seller!

White Fragility is a tough read for white people. DiAngelo hits the reader head-on in the introduction:

“This book is intended for…white progressives who so often  – despite our conscious intentions – make life so difficult for POC. I believe that white progressives cause the most daily damage to POC. I define white progressives as any white person who thinks he or she is not racist, or is less racist, or in the “choir,” or already “gets it.” White progressives can be the most difficult for POC because to the degree that we think we have arrived, we will put our energy into making sure that others see us as having arrived. None of our energy will go into what we need to be doing for the rest of our lives: engaging in ongoing self-awareness, continuing education, relationship building, and actual antiracist practice. White progressives do indeed uphold and perpetuate racism, but our defensiveness and certitude make it virtually impossible to explain to us how we do so.” page 5

“Social distancing” went into effect March 12, 2020 here in North Carolina. Immediately I was torn between the Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me and the Beatles’ Come Together! I prefer the term physical distancing over social distancing. Wearing face coverings added fear to social distancing. Physical distancing is an activity. Social distancing is an atttiude. Studies show our emotional health and well-being are dependent on relationships and physical touch. My attempt at demonstrating physical distance through key initiatives I facilitate was a lighthearted recall of a crucial component of experienced-base work –  connection. Connection leads to creating community, something we all hunger for. Social distancing seems like punishment, akin to solitary confinement. We do not need the added stress of “social distancing.” I draw from a great line from the movie Shall We Dance. “We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.” Social distancing says, “I won’t be a witness. Physical distance says, “I witness you and you are important. I’ll take care of myself so I can take care of you.”

…there are a few things I hope you take away from my intrusion into your life!

Please don’t waste my visit while I am with you! Remember what Rahm Emanuel said?

“You never let a serious crisis go to waste. And what I mean by that it’s an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before.”

First, I need you to put my presence in perspective. The greatest virus in the world right now is not me, it’s you, your behavior and your response! Your behavior and your response toward me is life-changing. You have each other in your hands. The question you should constantly be asking yourself, “Is my behavior life-enhancing or life-endangering?” The way you treat each other impacts how you think of me, deal with me and overcome me!

I hope you have stopped taking so many things in life for granted. Yes, I have disrupted life as you know it. I have put a stop to busyness! Busyness is so overrated and non-essential. I have disrupted some habits. Some of those habits were good. Some of those habits not so good. I know you are addicted to “screens” and my presence has deepened that addiction, but I hope you will see the need to connect with people face-to-face when I’m not around.

I hope you are taking time to breathe and recognize what is really important, beginning with relationships. I notice you have been reaching out to people with whom you have not connected in a long time! How does that feel? Why did it take my presence to create these interactions?

Remember when your parents told you to wash your hands before you ate and when you used the bathroom? I hope my presence has brought attention to why this simple exercise is vitally important.

Those people who welcome you into the restaurant, take your order, create your food and serve it to you; those people who deliver your mail and packages; those people who stock the shelves and check you out at the grocery store; and those people who pick up the trash; those housekeepers, janitors, and environmental service personnel; those taxi and Lyft drivers;  … they make a difference in your life! They are important. They deserve your respect and appreciation! They need a liveable wage to serve you! They need healthcare. I hope you recognize healthcare is not a privilege or a benefit of your job but a right as a citizen not just of the United States but of planet earth!

Remember, I wasn’t a virus that started in the United States. I am a global epidemic. I know no borders or boundaries. No wall will keep me out! I’m like your smartphone. My components come from all over the world. I am globalization and it will take globalization to tame me!

Notice I don’t discriminate? I am inclusive and equitable in whom I touch. Your age, your social-economic status, your skin color, your politics, your religious beliefs, your physical ability, your fame … it does not matter to me. How about you? Are you inclusive? Do you practice equity? Do you live the Golden Rule?

While science is working hard to defeat me and overcome the nightmare I have created, I hope you will give science more credit for how it can positively impact your life. That dirty air you create, it harms the lungs as well as so many other things! You really ought to take it personally and recognize you do make a difference in other peoples’ lives, both positively and negatively. I suggest you think about this and consider making better choices.

I realize science and faith don’t always get a fair seat at the table. I am here to suggest you need to pay attention to both. I am here to remind you that uncertainty is a dominant force in the world. Both science and faith can help you deal with uncertainty. You need to work with each other and trust each other to deal with uncertainty. Anne Lamott said it best:

“The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with, the sense, for example, to go for a walk.”

Finally, while the United States cherishes individuality, materialism, and less government, those three cherishes are not going to help defeat me. You are going to have to come together, share resources, and create nurturing communities. Your greed is going to be your demise. Your lack of good governance for the people and by the people will be wishful thinking, just a poster on the wall. If you think life is miserable right now, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

It is incredible how something so unseen, and tasteless can have such a significant impact on our lives … the Coronavirus, COVID-19. We know so little about this virus, except that it can live on hard surfaces for up to 72 hours. We have no vaccine but we do recognize it’s more contagious than the flu, and it seems to have a greater negative impact on older adults.

I am angry at our government leaders and their enablers in dealing with this pandemic. The government was unresponsive to this emerging global crisis. On February 28th, POTUS 45 called COVID-19 a hoax. COVID-19 had been in America for well over a month, but full-scale testing is just beginning. Potus 45 declared a national emergency on Friday, March 13th, but said, “I don’t take responsibility at all,” Trump said in response to a question about the lack of tests.

There has been more interest in a buzzing economy and getting re-elected than in the health and well being of citizens. We are not only experiencing a health epidemic but a failed leadership epidemic.

Crisis reveals character. It does not build character.

“In a crisis, the only asset you have is your credibility.” – Paul Volcker, former American Economist and Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Credibility is the currency of leadership. Credibility is founded on trust, expertise, and vitality.

This is the second pandemic in my life. HIV/AIDS was the first, and it seemed far less troublesome and worrisome than COVID-19. That pandemic touched my life as I lost my brother-in-law to AIDS back in 1988. Cancer is still a threat. People are dying from drug overdoses and car accidents. Heart attacks have not stopped. People continue to be wounded and die from gunshots.

I am angry with those who have let fear dictate their behavior, such as hoarding.

I am angry at people who have lost the ability to listen to different points of view and not take it personally. I am angry at those who are unwilling to compromise and act with compassion as well as civility.

This virus is causing us to isolate and so many things seem to have come to a halt: personal trips, conferences, concerts, and sporting events. Going out to eat or going to the movies is off-limits. Even going to the YMCA for exercise may not be a good idea. This has all come fast, and it’s left many of us stunned. We’ve not experienced this in our lifetime. Economists are predicting this will be more than a recession. The economy will grind to a halt. It’s like being the middle of strange land without a map or paths forward. This is a time of full-scale VUCAs…Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity/Chaos, and Ambiguity.

Our lives are in one another’s hands. You may save the life of someone you will never meet by just washing your hands. While we are to refrain from touching, we can use our hearts to reach out to one another by the actions we take and the words we say.

Here are the silver linings I am trying to lean into to overcome my anger:

I yearn for the day after 9/11 when we were more compassionate to one another. I am working to be a 9/12 person. I am going to let people merge on the highway. I am going to hold doors open, I am looking for more ways to lend a hand to those in need. We owe it to ourselves and each other to be better.

The Sabbath is a day of rest and unplugging. It is a time to self-reflect, meditate, and build community within our homes and then with others. It is time to nurture our souls.

I am reacting to this pandemic as a huge Sabbath. I see this virus and the process of dealing with it as an opportunity to learn. I believe COVID-19 can push our reset button to be more inclusive and understanding. I also think this virus can help us create constructive conversations about affordable healthcare for all, especially the 27.5 million who are uninsured.

I look forward to looking back on the pandemic and feeling good about the breakthroughs and connections we made. I look forward to better leadership. I am hopeful.